Billy Mays Is Dead

sex video.

I have no idea where these guys are from. First guess Montreal.

As always, my first guess is right.

Let's try guessing other things:

1. Offer Schlomi will finally replace Billy Mays.

2. Michael Jackson will not leave any inheritance.

3. Farrah Fawcett will not get as much death recognition as Michael Jackson.

4. Michael Jackson did not actually have any children.

5. Oxiclean will have a comeback special called best of Billy.

6. Ed McMahon will beat the shit out of Vince when he gets there.

you are not alone.

Quote of the day.

"What are you, a fucking thirteen year old?"

Discovery of Discovery

Everyone seemed to love vampire weekend. Some bands just name themselves without care. What is a vampire weekend? A weekend full of vampires? That doesn't sound like something I want to be part of at all. They now have a side project called discovery comprised of Rostam Batmanglij and Ra Ra Riot singer Wes Miles. All I can say is that the songs are great. We will see how they fare.

Osaka Loop Line - Discovery

The very Best - Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

Peter Gabriel and Hot Chip - Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

Cover bands seem to be getting more and more popular. Eh guys? Youtube cover bands especially so.

Jackson 5 cover:

I want you back

Cows Are Not The Enemy.

Let it ride. Not easily offended.

Try to let it go.

This anecdote is derived from a story generated by another:

When we were driving to the beach one day we came upon a field of cows. Cows with their different colours, patterns and sizes are appropriately stereotyped into one genetic condition. White with spots. Like a dalmatian only more useful when there are one hundred and one. After all, one cannot milk a dalmatian with the same vigor as the machine which drains the mammary gland connected teat of the female dairy bovine. I think if I was to compare my daily life to that of a female dairy cow, you would find one of us is more useful to society. But I digress.

The cows in their respective pasture once sombre and still began to move in the essence of the slow clap. Within seconds the entire herd could be seen running in one direction to the other side of the field and all I could think is, "are they late for something?" Perhaps one cow wanted to start a foot race to see who was fastest. Many people say things to me such as, "you are but a sheep in the flock" and my rhyming rhythmic response in untimely fashion is, "and in that sheep goes your quick cock." If there's one thing I hate more than hipsters, it's people who use proverbs.

Confucius says, "S my D before I B an L on your T's."

Burn it all down.

Rick.

You let me down... brain bone. Thank god for the eyes.

Thank god for Allan. Let's go back in time.

Quote of the Day. Starting today:

"I pee more so I cry less."

Buzz

Just can't get enough of that summer lovin'. Let's go in for the kill.

Person 1: "Hey man, is that bee sitting on the ground?"

Person 2: "No, that is a dead bee."

Person 1: "But doesn't it look like he's sitting down?"

Person 3: "Yeah, sure, but he's dead, and also a bee. It's not like he can just lounge around."

Person 1: "But look at how he is perched. Do you think he died sitting down?"

Person 2: "Bees do not have the ability to sit down."

Person 3: "Do you think Giraffes can sit down?"

Person 2: "You guys are so stupid."

Person 3: "Do you think that if they made newspapers small enough bees would read them?"

Person 2: "I'm going home."

The daily experience that is my life. What a ridiculous existence. FML.

The Lone Giraffe

When I get back from space, don't let me take your heart.

We have lost a follower. So, to amp up sale-ability we are going full speed ahead with another anecdote: The Lone Giraffe.

After long deliberation we have determined that the Albatross is the best animal created anywhere, at any time throughout history. They have the most amazing wingspan, not to mention the ability to glide ridiculous distances and the capacity to circle the globe. You know who can't do all these fantastic feats of mammalian miracle? The giraffe. The giraffe is by far the most useless animal I can imagine. Even the sloth has an amazing metabolism and cool claws. A giraffe just stands around, doesn't really make any noise, and maintains an overall uselessness comparable only to Panacci's ability as a soccer captain.

If I was to think of an example involving a petting zoo full of wild animals, I would imagine all the other animals would hate the giraffe. Not because he wasn't fun, or that he looked ridiculous, but because he is a downright useless individual. Good for ring toss. I envision the lone giraffe sitting by the tree, not a soul around. He would ask the hippos, "Hey Frank want to come hang out," but Frank would say, "Nah man, you're a useless fucking giraffe." Days would pass and the lone giraffe would grow more and more depressed. He would slip slowly down and down into a great sadness as the animals around him mocked and teased. Soon the day would come when he would rope himself up with a noose in an attempt to commit suicide. But when he kicked the stool away, the rope barely moved, it just kind of did nothing but slid a foot up his stupid neck. In shame, the almost-hanged giraffe would attempt to find a better killing device. Maybe a forty-foot door frame, or the skydome girders.

In conclusion, I hate giraffes and love the Albatross. So if you are either of these things, I think it is amazing that you can read. SPACESHIP.

Cheetos

Until you came into my life. Cheetos. Secondly, flying buttresses.

Tunes: Bag Raiders, The Twelves, Russ Chimes, 80kidz, Adeyhawke, Futurecop!, Tiga, Stardust, Hey Champ and Lifelike.

I recently envisioned a comedy based on the inner workings of social encounters. It is predisposed to the idea that individuals commonly mistake themselves as humorous, who are in fact not. How else would we be able to point out horrible jokes if we weren't funny? The television show becomes integral to other people's inherently stupid humor. Jokes like, "oh that pizza, I dropped it on the ground," seems unfunny to people who don't understand the context. But when one understands that the context is that the pizza is late to the party, it would seem sarcastic to say that one dropped it on the ground. Nonetheless, this joke is stupid. By pointing out the stupidity of the situation (after the initial party has vacated), we can joke about the inane mockery that we had just witnessed. So we become the jokers of the joke. An extension of the sarcastic nature of this situation. It isn't even that we are the originators of the idea, yet by some realization we have conquered the realm of humor by dryly stating, "why would she say that, this is a restaurant," or perhaps, "well I'm never eating here again," as our sarcastic injections of dry mundane hilarity ensues.

Never scare black people.

Tiga is at Circa tomorrow.