The Lone Giraffe

When I get back from space, don't let me take your heart.

We have lost a follower. So, to amp up sale-ability we are going full speed ahead with another anecdote: The Lone Giraffe.

After long deliberation we have determined that the Albatross is the best animal created anywhere, at any time throughout history. They have the most amazing wingspan, not to mention the ability to glide ridiculous distances and the capacity to circle the globe. You know who can't do all these fantastic feats of mammalian miracle? The giraffe. The giraffe is by far the most useless animal I can imagine. Even the sloth has an amazing metabolism and cool claws. A giraffe just stands around, doesn't really make any noise, and maintains an overall uselessness comparable only to Panacci's ability as a soccer captain.

If I was to think of an example involving a petting zoo full of wild animals, I would imagine all the other animals would hate the giraffe. Not because he wasn't fun, or that he looked ridiculous, but because he is a downright useless individual. Good for ring toss. I envision the lone giraffe sitting by the tree, not a soul around. He would ask the hippos, "Hey Frank want to come hang out," but Frank would say, "Nah man, you're a useless fucking giraffe." Days would pass and the lone giraffe would grow more and more depressed. He would slip slowly down and down into a great sadness as the animals around him mocked and teased. Soon the day would come when he would rope himself up with a noose in an attempt to commit suicide. But when he kicked the stool away, the rope barely moved, it just kind of did nothing but slid a foot up his stupid neck. In shame, the almost-hanged giraffe would attempt to find a better killing device. Maybe a forty-foot door frame, or the skydome girders.

In conclusion, I hate giraffes and love the Albatross. So if you are either of these things, I think it is amazing that you can read. SPACESHIP.